The past few months have been a roller coaster of change and emotional and spiritual growth, both as a person and an artist. The first part of June my husband and I sold our home of two years, which was the plan from the beginning, we purchased the home in 2015 as a flip, and took advantage of the real estate boom that occurred this past spring.
But, along with the sale of the home, I also came to the realization that I could no longer continue the life I had been living. I had been married for 21 years, and known my husband for 25, he is the father of my precious daughter Aroon (23 yrs). But, what I learned throughout those 25 years, and still coming to grips with and trying to grow from the experience, is that we shouldn't put another above our own needs and wants all the time. As a very empathetic, sensitive person, this is hard for me not to do. I was put in the position of doing this over and over again, and it never changed. Anytime I wanted to do something I liked or that would fulfill me, no matter how minor it was, I was in an emotional and mental battle with my "partner", and it took all of my strength and perseverance to fight for what I wanted, and in the case of my art needed to do. But, far too often I would give in and be left with an empty feeling within, and eventually became exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically.
My art is my passion, it is a huge part of who I am, it comes from the deepest parts of my soul and I don't feel complete without it. For many years I wasn't "allowed" to create art, but rather "expected" to work for my spouse, and anytime art was mentioned, it was a very sore subject. But, I never gave up, and when we finally moved to Alaska in 2007 I was able to fulfill my dream of working full-time as an artist, but only because my spouse was no longer working. But, even since then, my art, and anything I wanted or needed, far too often took a back seat to other things in our life together, things that were inconsequential, but became more important than me and my art, simply because "I" was not important enough to my partner. Even though I was the main breadwinner in the family for the past 10 years, even that wasn't enough. And I realized it wouldn't have mattered what it was, anything that was important to ME, became of the utmost unimportance in the relationship. But, it was especially difficult for me as an artist because that isn't just important to me, it's a huge part of WHO I am.
I've always been a strong, independent woman, but I loved too deeply, and when that love was used against me and my empath self, I became someone who I am not. I lost myself in a relationship for over 20 years, a relationship that broke my heart and stole a part of my soul. I realized I could no longer live a truthful, fulfilled life in that relationship, and I'm now taking the time to rediscover myself, get back to who I truly was, and am, and have always been, without fear and pressure to be someone I'm not. I'm going to dive head first into my art and find healing and comfort in knowing that I can create beautiful art to share with all of you. It's going to be a difficult journey, but one I am embracing and going to grow through.
Leaving my husband is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but it had to be done in order to save my self from a lifetime of sadness and loneliness and the inability to be my true self. I'm baring my soul to find peace and heal so I can create art that truly comes from the soul and also provide inspiration and motivation to others to never give up on themselves. I hope my story will inspire all of you to never give up on yourself and your dreams. ALWAYS fight for what you believe in, what fulfills and drives you, and if you have to keep fighting against one person, they are not meant to be in your life. The people who you surround yourself with should be supportive, loving and understanding of what is important to you, and be willing to give you the space and love for you to achieve happiness and growth within yourself, and in turn it will make your relationship that much stronger and fulfilling for both sides. YOUR life should NEVER be all about someone else; your partner should be just that, a partner, an equal where both sides give and take equally of each other when the need is there, it should never be a one sided giving relationship, that is simply unsustainable and harmful to your very soul.
I'm not writing this asking for sympathy or pity, but I wanted to share a part of my life I've never talked about before, but one that has had and will have a huge impact on me, and in turn my art. It has now become an integral part of my life and my journey as an artist. I'm still trying to figure out why this happened to me and what lessons I can learn from it, and how to make it be a positive life experience to grow and change from. I hope I can inspire others to learn from their own difficult life experiences and know that we can get out of situations that are not beneficial to us, it may not be easy, but you CAN find the strength to save your soul and move on to bigger and better things in life.
I hope you will follow my journey as a I rediscover myself as a person and an artist and find growth and peace within myself and reflect that in my art. I'm on a mission to "Live my Best Life" from here on out and never settle for anything less, ever again.